Real Estate Jokes

Here are some Real Estate Jokes i have found surfing the internet. If you find some please post them in the comments of this page. I will enjoy reading them and i am sure others will too….

  • “I have to have a raise in my commission,” the agent said to his manager. “There are three other companies after me.” “Is that so?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?” “The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”
  • A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion. 
    They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”. 
    The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new home”.
  • A broker was dismayed when a brand new real estate office much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST AGENTS.’ He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST COMMISSIONS.’ The broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read: ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’
  • Our Agent Ted worked overtime for several weeks. On the final evening, one woman said, “Ted, do you have a copy of the latest tax regulations? There’s something I want to look up.” “What’s that?” I asked. “Use of the office as a home.”
  • A young broker had just started his own real estate office. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. 
    Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the broker picked up the phone and 
    started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
  • 20 agents will go by and take a note that its out.
    10 of those agents might call a store to see if they have the right bulb.
    5 of these agents might go and buy the bulb.
    But only one will actually bother to pull over a chair and get up there and change it!
  • Glossary of terms:
    Spacious – average
    Charming – small
    Comfortable – very small
    Cozy – very, very small
    Low maintenance – no lawn
    Walk to stores – nowhere to park your car
    Prestigious- expensive
    Bright and sunny – venetian blinds not included
    Townhouse – former tenement
    Modern – 30 to 40 years old
    Contemporary – at least 15 years old
    Sprawling ranch – inefficient floor plan
    Natural setting – forget about planting, the deer will eat everything
    Secluded setting – far away
    Executive neighborhood – high taxes
    Near houses of worship – fanatical denomination next door
    Park-like setting – a tree on the block
    Unaffected charm – needs painting
    Starter home – run down
    Hurry! Won’t last – about to collapse
    And much, much more – nothing else comes to mind
    CHARMING – Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have 
    to find their own place.See “Cute,” “Enchanting,” and “Good Starter Home.”MUCH POTENTIAL – Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See“Ready to Rehab,” and “Fixer Upper.”
    UNIQUE CITY HOME – Used to be a warehouse.HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY – Lots of steel shelving with little holes – the
    kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.DARING DESIGN – Still a warehouse.COMPLETELY UPDATED – Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting
    or vice versa.

    SOPHISTICATED – Black walls and no windows. See “Architect’s Delight.”

    ONE-OF-A-KIND – Ugly as sin.

    BRILLIANT CONCEPT – Do you really need a two-story live oak in your
    30-foot sky dome? See “Makes Dramatic Statement.”

    UPPER BRACKET – If you have to ask . . .

    YOU’LL LOVE IT – No, you won’t.

    MUST SEE TO BELIEVE – An absolutely accurate statement.

    • Why do you have your front door leading right into the dining room? So my relatives won’t have to waste any time.
    • The sellers told me their house was near the water. It was in the basement.
    • How much are they asking for your rent now? Oh, about twice a day.
    • I have a temporary mortgage. What do you mean temporary? Until they foreclose.
    • Realtor sign–We have “lots” to be thankful for.
    • Realtor: first you folks tell me what you can afford, then we’ll have a good laugh and go on from there.
    • The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of today’s young families is to get one.
    • There is no longer a need for the neutron bomb. We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It’s called a mortgage.
    • If you think no one cares you’re alive, miss a couple of house payments.
    • My buyers went through debt consolidation. Now they have only one bill they won’t pay.
    • I listed a maintenance free house. In the last 25 years there hasn’t been any maintenance.
    • Did you hear about Robin Hood’s house? It has a little John.
    • My agent was always smiling. I didn’t think anybody could have that many teeth without being a barracuda.
    • If you want to know exactly where the property line is, just watch the neighbor cut the grass.
    • Houses today don’t have enough closet space. Sure they do. They’re just called guest bedrooms.
    • Trivia: The floors of buildings are called stories because early European builders used to paint picture stories on the sides of their houses. Each floor had a different story.
    • A lot of homes have been spoiled by inferior desecrators.–Frank Lloyd Wright
    • I bought a two story house. One story before I bought, and another after.
    • The house is only 5 minutes from shopping . . .if you’ve got an airplane.
    • This country is great. It’s the only place where you can borrow money for a downpayment, get a 1st and 2nd mortgage and call yourself a homeowner.
    • Home is where the mortgage is.
    • A housewarming is the final call for those who haven’t sent a wedding present
    • The best part of a real estate bargain is the neighbor.
    • The house was more covered with mortgages than with paint.
    • Home: A place when you go there they have to take you in.
    • Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
    • A man’s home is his castle. That’s how it seems when he pays taxes on it.
    • Housebroke–What you are after buying a house.
    • Sign next to FSBO-We shoot every third agent and the 2nd one just left.
    • This house has every new convenience except low payments.
    • The trouble with owning a home is that no matter where you sit, you’re looking at something you should be doing.
    • They have an all electric home. Everything in it is charged.
    • My buyers want a new home on the outskirts—of their income, that is.
    • A Happy Home is a place where each spouse entertains the possibility that the other may be right though neither believes it.
    • By the time you pay for a home in the suburbs, it isn’t.
    • A Modern home is a place where a switch controls everything but the kids, and it has gadgets to do everything except make the payments.
    • The house has a wall to wall carpet and back to wall payment.
    • A typical home has a TV set that is adjusted better than the kids.
    • House problem: The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids aren’t.
    • Our new house has one down payment and 240 darn payments.
    • Homesickness What you feel every month when the mortgage is due.